Birthday Round-up + Dementia Drama

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Alrighty~
So, firstly, THANK YOU everyone for the birthday wishes!
I wish I had gotten back to you all sooner, but this has just been a bizarre week for me D:



In any case, it's been a bit of a doozy for me this past week (rant following ^_^;;; ) but let's start with the good things, shall we?

GIFTS: (at least, of stuff that's been uploaded ^^)

Mature Content

::HAPPEH BIRFDEH DOOM-SAN!!!!:: by XenoChelle
  Fan-Art Friday! Nagala! ::WIP:: by DotintheParadox  Fan-Art Friday! (Sorta Sunday) Nagala! by DotintheParadox

I have to say. It's kind of an odd thing, but... On a day that has just treated you like garbage, it's an oddly "Faith in Humanity"-giving moment to have someone who you did a birthday gift for the previous year do something for you this year ^^  It's even more surprising to have a present just come out of nowhere, or even from someone who (due to timing issues) you COMPLETELY missed the birthday of, but still they did something for you! X3;
(other friends of mine have said they'd make something for me but either didn't or I haven't heard back from them on it, but... I'm not trying to guilt anyone really though, I know it's hard to find time for stuff (I mean, look at my own posting frequency, though in fairness I draw a LOT more than I actually post ^^; ) just... I dunno guys. "I understand" :< )






But.. yeah. I guess we'll use that bitter-sweet commentary to ease into a rant I've been needing to get off of my chest for some time now D:

A Rough Day

To be honest, the day was pretty rough from the start.. I had originally planned to go with my mother (and, grudgingly, my grandmother) to a small cafe the next town over for breakfast. It's a little tradition between her and I to go there for birthdays or just low-key, relaxing days. Cheap food, good food, a warm and invitingly "Small Town" environment.
But.. That didn't happen, because when I got up, it had turned out that my mom and grandma had already eaten because they were getting ready for the Jehovah's Witnesses to come by again because for some reason my mother does some sort of "Bible Study" with them every Friday and she's (my mom's) convinced that it was somehow helping Grandma to talk to them. (We're not Jehovah's Witnesses, is the thing. >__>; My dad is pretty convinced they're still trying to recruit her ^_^; She thinks they're a little nutty about some things so she's found her "lines" on why she isn't a Jehovah's Witness, but enjoys talking with them all the same, since the lady that comes each time is a neighbor, but she brings random people from her church each time ^^; )

So.. That was a bit of a bummer to me. "Hiding in my room" for an hour because I don't really feel comfortable with strangers and I'm not a very religious person, on my birthday.

Then, if things weren't already "lovely", my grandma decided to pull her usual Dementia-ridden "I need to get back to my house!" antics (but she can't even remember the name of her street any more) and if things weren't already ugly, my mom decided to go down the "Mom, you should get washed up so you're all clean and pretty when we go out to dinner tonight! :D" path (because Grandma neither showers NOR changes her clothes, and we've learned in hindsight that everything she sits on pretty much needs to be disinfected because she smells worse than a barn animal). This was.. ..Painful to listen to. And it got worse and worse until finally I just broke down (on my birthday, mind~) and started calling out to my mom asking her why she even tries with this lady. I just don't understand her loyalty to her at all. Grandma "presents well", but the moment you try to actually get her to do anything, she digs her heels in so badly that it's obvious that grandma has no intention of doing anything but beg to go home and deny having pissed overnight her stinky-ass pajama bottoms that she wears constantly. And let's not forget her hair that's SO utterly greased up from not washing that her hair practically looks slicked back.

To be honest.. I'm shellshocked over her antics. I just don't have the same "loyalty" to her that my mother has because this grandmother had almost absolutely nothing to do with my raising. (while conversely, my OTHER grandmother did MOST OF the raising of my sister and I because both of my parents worked and my father's mother did not, so she took care of my sister and I while our parents worked)
I look at her and I see nothing but a judgmental old woman who has lost her sense of reasoning and yet won't do anything to help herself and angrily REFUSES TO let anyone make her do anything. 
And yet on the surface she seems nice and friendly.

My frustration for her is to such a level that I barely feel empathy for her any more, and want to just spray her with our gardening hose if she's not going to sanitize herself. (Of course I don't, but still)

Regardless...

Maybe an hour later after my little (Happy Birthday) Meltdown, my mom needed to run an errand that day so she suggested we try having lunch at the cafe. We do so.
I have to give a shout-out to my friend :iconnatheren: for talking me through a lot of the crap I was feeling for my grandmother. He told me what he went through with his great-grandmother, and... So much of it just fit my grandma to a complete T that while she was never formally diagnosed (and good luck getting her to a doctor now -- glad I wasn't there any of the times my mom tried, or else I might have shouted "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR" until she yielded because my anger transcended her's >__>; ), I realized that the things that are happening here are things that other people I know have had to deal with too.
I admit to not having much patience nor love of my grandmother at this point, but.. We've been watching her for the last month and a half, and while it started pleasant enough, it just got uglier and uglier over time until it hit the point where I realized that I resent her more and more with each passing day because while I, too, am pretty sickly, I am ENDLESSLY THANKFUL of my parents, and Grandma doesn't even show the SLIGHTEST sign of appreciation for the fact that we BEND OVER BACKWARD to try to make her feel at home and she wants no part of any of it. 
Does she think we even need lift a finger for her? My anger puts thoughts in my mind like "See how she does if we don't feed her for a week. See if that teaches her "Thankfulness" and "Humility" " (because unlike me, she's SUUUUUPER religious (or, was), and yet I don't see her being a "Good Christian". >__>; ) But. I know those are bad thoughts purely out of pain I feel toward her because of her behavior.

But yeah. Natheren helped me quite a bit in feeling better about the whole situation, and somehow I was sort of able to move on from the incident that morning.
Of course, nobody was able to get Grandma cleaned up, but *I* took a shower, and we had a nice dinner of seafood along the water in the Northlake area of Seattle. (Dinner went fine. As per usual, Grandma just wanted dessert instead of an actual meal (I don't think she understands the point of eating any more. She just sees "OOH, CANDY! 8D" ) but the meal went otherwise fine I guess. )

That evening, however.. My sister invited us all to join her and her boyfriend (and boyfriend's mother) for the weekend.


A Rough Weekend

I had no interest in this trip (I dislike being asked to go places on short notice. Particularly overnight things, as I am just such a level of "Introvert" that I literally can't "cool down" until I can get back home and to my computer, etc ^^; ...Maybe that's one thing I can empathize with my grandmother over, but she doesn't even have anything to return home to any more, really. She has no hobbies and I don't think she really reads any more.) and furthermore I was just so sick of my grandmother that I wanted nothing more than a day WITHOUT her.

So.. Valentine's Day was spent alone, but thankfully so, considering...

The day went fine, but virtually from the MOMENT they got home the next day, things got ugly again.

My "Afternoon" started when I heard my grandmother muttering to herself in her room, as my first hint that someone had returned.
As I was still kind of having trouble "letting go" of things, I just didn't even want to look at her face so I kept my eyes to the floor as I walked past her to get the update from my mother as to how their "trip" went.
(it was a "trip" alright. In the middle of the night, Grandma went to the bathroom and then wandered into my parents' room, unable to find her own room, at like 1am. AND she had made her bed like it was the morning. She apparently sat in the kitchen for like an hour until my dad went pee in the middle of the night (I call him "Peanut Bladder", but that's its own story ^^; ) and saw her, and talked her into going back to bed. )
Pretty much from the moment I finished talking with my mom about the trip out of earshot of my grandmother, things got ugly again.
Mom needed to hit the restroom, and pretty much from the moment she finished that, it was another argument with Grandma.
All I needed to hear was the phrase "Mom, do you want to take a shower or a bath? I can do some laundry for you! :D" and I ALREADY KNEW I needed to RUN to my room and throw on my headphones ASAP because things were going to get UGLY and the last time this happened, I had a meltdown.

..True enough to form, when that song finished, I just heard enough of the conversation that I heard "--you smell worse than a barn animal--" before clicking and starting the next song to drown out the fighting.


A Promise of Freedom

Maybe three songs later, I got a knock on my door from my dad, saying that my uncle was coming to pick up Grandma.

Maybe a song's worth of time afterward, my mom knocked on my door as well and practically had another breakdown just telling me what happened after the fight.
She had gotten to SUCH a point of "defeat" from dealing with my grandmother that she called up her brother (actually, at my suggestion) and pretty much asked him if he could pick up Grandma because Mom was afraid she might try to kill Grandma at this rate. (Said in earshot of grandma without a fuck given that she heard that. THAT is the level of defeated feeling that this old bitch can give you =A=; )

I sort of refused to believe it. We've almost been free of Grandma before, but that's because she signed all the papers to move into this assisted living place, but then half an hour later denied ever having said she wanted to move in there "because she has to get back home". >__>;

True enough, however... Maybe an hour later, my uncle showed up. We talked with him a bit, and then, after loading Grandma's crap into his car (which she had had staged in our front entryway for over a month now, pretty much living out of her suitcases and counting her bags to be sure she "had everything" >__>; ) we all drove to have dinner together at a burger joint.

Despite her being out of the house... I never truly believed we were free of her.

The restaurant went "fine" I guess. We all ordered our food, while Grandma went STRAIGHT for a Rootbeer Float (which we've denied her before, because she ALWAYS B-Lines it for the dessert menu if we take her places) and some Onion Rings. Technically she ordered a burger with a side of Onion Rings, but she never even touched the burger ^^;

Either way.. We finish up. We get into our cars.

AND WE GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE MY UNCLE CAN SAY OTHERWISE. (not that he would. I just never believed we were truly "safe" until we were officially "parted ways" from her and not even in the same parking lot any more) 


Freedom, At Last

That night, the three of us watched Inglourious Basterds.  (A movie we NEVER could've watched with Grandma there ^^; )

To be quite honest, we were all still shellshocked over getting rid of the crazy ball of stress and anger. For whatever reason, a troubled friend of mine who has been a bit of a source of stress for me at times left our central Skype chatroom for some reason. Something about frustration at a game and then leaving the room.
(She's been going through a rough patch and has a rather nasty habit of taking out her own self-loathing on the people around her -- Not good for maintaining relationships, but out of loyalty as friends, our group has stood by her when we can ^^; )
About a day later, one of our friends reinvited her to the room, but she hasn't spoken since. (That was Sunday that she left, and it's Friday now, as of writing this)

Honestly... Normally I'd inquire as to why one of my friends went quiet (especially someone who's normally so chatty that their own IMs are like background noise at times), but for everything I've been through... Both the pain my grandmother has caused me, and the unnecessary drama this friend has caused in my life... I just kind of left her be. If she wants to talk, I'm willing to listen, but..

I've just been so overwhelmed by everything that it's like I've finally had that moment to catch a breather and actually start to "feel" again after having to bury my pain for so long.

So... yeah. For some reason, the two main major sources of stress in my life decided to both leave me alone at the same time.


A Troubled Friend

I'm the kind of loyal friend that I wouldn't (normally) allow myself "peace" if I was worried a friend is in pain, but... 
...The truth is, sometimes people dig their own graves. Sometimes people you care about create situations for themselves that you simply cannot fix. Sometimes your presence is even detrimental, as if crushing you with their own problems is like a crutch keeping them from "handling" their own crises. 
But no. It's their crises. Not your's. Everyone has to do what everyone has to do. If you can't take care of yourself (I really can't), you sure as hell can't take care of anyone else.

I wish my friend only the best. She is an important person to me and has been in my life for a good two or three years now, maybe more. But things have been utterly brutal for her ever since last summer and the fact is, I can't solve her problems for her and if her just dumping everything onto me and everyone else isn't solving anything (she likes to backpeddle) AND it's making things worse for us, it's frankly IRRESPONSIBLE of her to not be able to sort through them like everyone else has to. It's not our job to sort through her feelings. It's her job. 

As things are, I'm not sure if I can stay friends with someone who yells about every little thing like life just shat on her, or that losing your macros in a MMO is like some grand commentary on life. She needs to get a grip, and either own up to her feelings and their effects on others and master them, or find some place else to vent them because that place can't be me.

I'm good for supporting a friend through the hard times and the legitimately screwed-up stuff, but she complains about even the most minusculely mundane things that it's not only things that I'd just quietly "..*sigh*" about if it was me, but it's even things I wouldn't even have thought about when they happened. I simply cannot tell the difference between "a friend in need of support" and "someone who complains at literally everything" any more with her.
This isn't the friend I knew. This certainly isn't the person I became close to. 

And yet, if she reads this, I'm sure she'll go into some dejected spiral. 


Jaded Frustrations and Surprises

I've come to the realization about her though that I actually have less faith in her than she deserves. Over the course of the last few weeks (well, before she left the chatroom and then went silent), moments that I had been trained to believe would lead to a horrible blow-up (note that I'm actually drawing a LOT of parallels between her and my grandma ^^; ), I was shocked to find actually DIDN'T lead into World War 3, though it was the pattern I was kind of forced into expecting in every other angle of my life. I never would've expected that out of her as she was before. She's someone who somehow thinks she's different from everyone else, like somehow her not understanding something (or something going over her head) is some grand joke that she's sitting out on, while I'm myself so used to only getting half of the references to things that I hear words and names ALL THE TIME that I don't know. (I read manga, for fuck's sake XD; You think you're not going to find words you don't know in that shit? XD; Japanese culture is LOOOOAAADED with inside references, but I appreciate the parts I get, and if I learn stuff later, then that's another reference for me ^^  ...She would never have let that slide, however) She is also someone who will not let ANYTHING go. (And yet tells me I need to let go of the past. I just want to say "if I let go of the 'past', how about you let go of the 'present'? Because you have such a lack of ability to let things 'slide' that you're ornery at every little thing that any mature adult would've taken in stride.")

Beyond that though... Really, as I said. I wish her only the best. I do not intend to go onto a diatribe about every little frustrating thing that she says and does, but rather I just realize that I am exhausted on every angle, and my grandma's antics gave me just that much less sympathy for her non-problems.
(like I could go off on how she has to know "why" someone is feeling bad instead of supporting them BECAUSE they feel bad and acknowledging that MAYBE they don't want to think about it, and how she'll keep repeating "why" over and over on statements that you sincerely hoped were "self-evident" until she's made you deconstruct everything to practically a level of "Okay I don't know why the fuck I feel bad but I do =A=;", and if she doesn't approve of your reasons for feeling bad, she either just can't fathom it or will tell you to go do something else or something o__o; Like making you feel bad for being hurt by things she's calling ridiculous to feel bad about is somehow helping >__>;   ..Wait. I said I could, but by doing, I did. Well, fuck D: )


On "Defeatism"

But, yeah. I've come to realize that I think most of her problems come from her "defeatist" attitude of "Why try?" and then her becoming frustrated at what happens to her when she DOESN'T try.
I just want to tell her to "Give up, or Don't". There is no middle ground here. You can't say "I give up on life" and then still move forward, even if you're being forced to move forward. Even as I draw parallels between her and my grandmother, she is still moving forward, while my grandmother isn't. But "moving forward" isn't the act of someone who has "given up" so I wish she would drop the "I Give Up" act and give herself some self-respect. But, most of all, I wish she would have enough decency to NOT take out her lack of self-respect on others, because that is a heinous act to do that makes you an enemy and antagonist in the eyes of others and is probably the reason she doesn't think she has any friends. (Even if she does, because we put up with that garbage that no casual friend would've given her the time of day for)

The sad thing with my friend, is that there ARE real problems going on in her life. I won't say there's not. Normally, my heart cries out to her, but she's had enough periods of crying out about the same things over that it's almost like nobody ever reached out to her, even when they have many times over, but the heart is just less likely to reach out to someone who refused to change for it, and becomes less likely each failed time after. We know she's trying to reach out for help, but there's a difference between accepting help and moving forward on your own two feet. Helping hands are not there to carry you. Helping hands are there to help guide you along the way. 
(But letting go and running back to where you were before would make MOST hands say "Y'know what? Fuck you." I don't even know why we try for her sometimes. ......And as I say that, I know full well that that is EXACTLY what I just said about my grandmother earlier in this journal, and that's how I know it's that I am losing a part of myself to all this stress... It's like I need to "recharge")



In Summary?

Yeah... Honestly, this has been a REALLY weird week for me. Two major stresses left my life for the time being. One of which I have been fighting since the beginning of this year, and I'm shocked my uncle actually pulled through to pick her up, because I never believed the nightmare would end...

And the other? I guess I just didn't realize until now how much I was still burying about her. She is an important friend to me, and has been one of my best friends for years. But yet... She's become this person I just don't even recognize any more, while there have been rare moments where I still "see her" inside of there somehow, and I know that my friend still exists, but is buried in a sea of negative emotions that she either can not or will not sort out on her own. To the point that I don't even recognize her any more, and it's hard to have the heart to tell her that she's causing her own problems.
(...Which she would've heard me say in the slight chance that she read this journal, but I don't think she reads my journals anyway to be honest ^_^; Actually, I'm not sure if I have ANY female close friends that DO read my journals o__o; Maybe one, but not of people I've known for years, I think D: )

These past few days have been just... Weird. Almost like a Pavlovian training that my body is slowly deprogramming from itself as I slowly build up the energy to move on from the nightmares in my life because I still feel just so utterly exhausted.



Now, onto some more positive things.


Game Dev Blog Stuff

I know I had posted a journal about game dev stuff, but the truth is I'm just not really sure what to think any more. I still want to do it and the truth is I wrote it up as much as an incentive to get me hyped up and motivated for the project as I did it to help "build interest" in the project.
A friend of mine however kinda... I dunno, "dissuaded" me from doing it though because he thought I needed to build up more of a "following" first, so that, because the truth is that journals will never get as much attention as pictures, if I REALLY want to try to get this stuff rolling, I should build up some "fanbase interest" first so people will actually follow what I say and do (if that's even true, I have no idea. I've never seen myself as being a "popular" person so I have no idea what it's even like), then build some interest in the project specifically (like "concept art", etc), and then, maybe if I built more of a "following", people might take interest in "Dev Blogs" ^^; 
I have no idea what's right and wrong at this point though. Consider the week I've been having, and the way this year has gone so far. I guess it's just really REALLY easy to quash my motivation right now. D:

In any case... I'd like to give a shout-out to :iconnorgorim: and :iconcoffeeslice: for helping me with talking about game dev stuff. It's really meant a lot to me to have people to bounce ideas off of for stuff and just.. I don't know, "talk things out" as they come to mind. They're both programmers (or, programmers-in-training) and, as far as I can tell, are both about as excited for the idea as I am, so I really do hope that we can work together on making this a "reality" in the future ^_^

I'd also like to give a shout-out to :iconcoffeeslice: and :iconzihilism: for helping me out with trying to get me motivated again with the project. (Coffee for his theories on how to "build interest", and, Zihil because I'm shocked someone wanted to draw up some concept art for the project to help me with brainstorming! X3; I actually have an "Ice Girl" concept I've got in the works that I'd like to finish, but.. Knowing my health and knowing my luck, we'll just have to see what happens, and hopefully I'll actually be able to work up the energy to post something for once ;__; )
Also, thanks to Zihilism for talking about the game a bit after our friend Mighty's stream, which helped me get inspired enough to start brainstorming about development systems again, and I had a neat little "epiphany" about the kind of toolkit we could use for developing skill abilities ^^


So... Whew. Yeah. That's been my week and however long.
© 2015 - 2024 Doom-san
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XenoChelle's avatar
im so sorry your birthday/recently had been so unfortunate ; n ; i hope things are better, and im happy to hear youre motivated about your game-project once more, if you are passionate about it, i say pursue it :heart:
hang in there doom-san, yu are such a strong person ; U ;:heart: