Well, I just wanted to give a heads up that I might be pretty unstable for the next while.
My family dog (admittedly, she's ancient as Golden Retrievers go) is nearly 15 and has a lump in her mouth that appears to have caused an abscessed tooth, and the abscessed tooth appears to have caused swelling in her cheek, which has swollen her eye shut. She has surgery on (hopefully) Wednesday, when the first doctor we talked to said she should get it operated on on Monday if we can. She has since started pawing her eye and it has started bleeding. As I am kind of a hypochondriac, I worry that she won't even last that long.
As a cheery Father's Day exercise, my sister (who my dad is visiting for the evening, after I had lunch with him today) tried to talk him out of spending the money, just as he had finally talked himself into that it could be worth paying for the surgery because at the rate she's been, she might last another year or two? (seems insane, but she's been very stable for years, other than this)
I honestly have no idea what's even going to happen any more.
I blamed my sister after I heard she said that.
I feel like I'd blame myself if I didn't pay for it if they refused to, even though I can't really afford it either.
I don't know how much longer she'd live if we do nothing. I don't know how much longer she'd live if we did fix this.
There's always the chance her organs aren't in good enough shape for surgery anyway, because her vet doc took bloodwork when we were there on Friday, to check if she can even take surgery in her condition, since she's so old.
I just.... know that no matter what way this situation goes, I am going to be a major mess.
This dog was my best friend through some VERY dark years of my life, and while I acknowledge that she can't go on forever, I know it is going to hurt me a LOT to lose her...
When my grandmother died, it was the start of a long process of me trying to let go of the past, which I clung to too strongly because of the near absolute lack of good things in my life in recent years (and bad health issues ; w ; ) compared to the happier (albeit still moderately depressing) years of my childhood.
I don't even know if this is some sort of whatever-point life crisis I'm going through at this point, just that I know that my old identity from my childhood has to die, for the adult me to flourish. ...And it pains me to think that losing my dog would need to be part of that...
(side-note, it was my 30th birthday this year on February 13th. Not to be even more of a downer but it was an extremely depressing birthday for me, in part because pretty much everyone I did stuff for last year forgot I even existed, and turning 30 is depressing for me to begin with, with all these health issues and lack of employment because of said health issues... As if the world needed me to feel even more alone by killing off my
furry best friend dog after that mess... )
Just a heads up to anyone out there if anyone actually reads this shit: "I'm not saying I'm going to do anything because I don't see myself as that kind of person, but pretend I'm on suicide watch, just in case" =w=;;
AKA: "I'm really struggling right now and admit that I need all the friends I can get right now, while generally assuming I have none."
That's my life.
How are you?